A Chain of Phases

The phase when I found a lump and got myself examined. The phase when I had my last imagined cancer free days. The phase when a doctor said “Yes, it is cancer” and ordered several other tests and scans. The phase when I learned it was aggressive and a Grade III cancer.

The phase, when I decided that I will survive.

The phase when I said goodbye to my breast and walked into a surgery room. The phase when I recovered from the surgery and went through fertility treatments to secure having babies. The phase when I went through six chemos. The phase when I felt like a Winner after surviving the bloody chemos. The phase when I went through 25 radiotherapies. The phase when they ended and the system spat me out and I found myself sitting outside the hospital crying.

The phase when I was open about having a cancer. The phase when I stopped being open about it. The phase when I participated in an event as a person who has had cancer.

The phase when I was sad I had never appreciated my breasts enough. The phase when I thought I looked like an albino rat. The phase when I could only see the side that did not have a breast. The phase when I lost my sexuality. The phase when I understood I need to find my way back to it. The phase when my friend pointed out that I have gorgeous legs. The phase when I started to see the breast that was still there. The phase when I started to come to terms with the new normal.

The phase when I kept saying, “I have cancer”. The phase, when I realised it had actually been long gone.

The phase, when I thought it would only take a few months to recover. The phase when I could not give up my work. The phase when I realised, I cannot work and recover. The phase when I felt relieved to be on a summer holiday instead of a sick leave. The phase when I returned to work. The phase when I realised, I was not able to work as I used to work. The phase when I had to stop working full-time and go part-time. The phase when I started to work full-time again and reconsider my relationship to work.

The phase, when I realised a lot of things will not be the same again. The phase when I knew it was time to help myself mentally. The phase when I realised my body had more strength than I had imagined.

The phase when I don’t know what the next phase will be.

Tutu

The writer lives under the Northern lights and enjoys the moments when she finds new pieces to the puzzle of life.

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Photo: Gratisography